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Have you ever had this experience?: One day you have a “bad day” and the next, a “good day.” But when you analyze it more closely, nothing’s changed:
Now we simply have to cultivate this habit. Make it conscious! I say simply but simple isn’t always easy! So how can we make this easier? Do you like to play games? Great! Then let’s play a game here, instead of making ourselves wrong for feeling lousy. The first thing you have to do, is buy a magic wand. What?! You heard me right. Go to the toy store and I guarantee you, you’ll find a magic wand. Or better yet, you can make yourself a magic wand. You remember what they look like. I know you do! (Mine has a star on the top, with lots of gold glitter!”  Now, carry that wand with you at all times (or have one at work and one at home!) and every time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought,
STOP – grab your wand - and say outloud, “Abracadabra – away with you, negative thought!” Then I want you to cancel that negative thought by saying outloud, “Cancel! Cancel!” Don’t forget to wave your wand as you do this! If you feel a little silly doing this, it might even make you laugh…and I dare you to feel negative and laugh at the same time! Why outloud? And why wave the wand? Because we pay more attention when we verbalize something and when we feel it in our bodies. We integrate it better. We are calling that negative little voice out! We are making it conscious. Now what? Once you are aware of that negative thought you just had, immediately focus on something good! It doesn’t have to be anything related to the present moment – just something that makes you feel good:
Your turn! What makes you feel good? What makes you smile? What makes your Heart sing? Warning! When you do this, you may find that suddenly, like magic, everything is OK! Want more magic tricks? Let’s talk!
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 I believe that our life moves through cycles, just like nature does. After all, we ARE part of nature. We go through ebbs and flows, just like the ocean. Through seasons, just like the weather. We have ups and downs.
Last week I was in a definite DOWN. I am in the middle of the third coach training I have taken. I am always looking to improve my coaching skills. This particular course is really intense, in the sense that it involves a lot of self-reflection and I get to coach and BE coached weekly. One of the requirements is to do “buddy coaching.” I get to experience again, how powerful coaching is – from the coach’s side and from the coachee’s side. When it was my turn to be coached this week, I knew I was a bit emotional. The day before, I had had a good cry, over something totally unrelated to my real issue. When I first started crying, I was upset about something that was out of my control (the delivery of an important package, if you can believe it!) That was the first clue that there was something deeper going on! Really?! Crying over a package? But I couldn’t help it – I needed to cry. So I let myself cry. That’s when I realized that what was really going on was much deeper. I was feeling “not good enough”, and I was afraid I would fail at building my coaching business. Who was I to think that I had something to offer people?! Who was I to think I could make a difference in people’s lives?! (all this, despite lots of evidence to the contrary!) That’s when my buddy coach asked me the magic question: “How would you be different if you believed in yourself?” … silence on my part while I pondered the question. “I would be calm. I would be able to see what I need to do and simply do it. I wouldn’t be distracted by all my negative thoughts. I might even start enjoying myself!” That begged the next question…this one I came up with on my own. "Great idea, but HOW do I believe in myself?! I clearly don’t, right now.” As I pondered this question, I thought about what a belief is. If I KNOW I can do something already, it’s not a belief. It’s a fact. A belief, on the other hand, is not based on fact, necessarily. Who can prove that God exists? Or that we reincarnate after we leave this life? Where’s the proof? What if the Wright Brothers had not believed it was possible for man to fly? Or land on the moon for that matter! So, did I need proof to believe in myself? Was I striving to do something I already knew exactly how to do? No. I was stretching myself to new heights, learning new things, doing things I’d never done before. Did I need to be “perfect” to believe in myself? (as in, come up with PROOF?) No. I could simply choose to believe in myself. No proof. No evidence. No need to be perfect! (what a relief!) So, the next time you experience “low tide” so to speak, I invite you to simply watch the process and BELIEVE that you are enough, exactly as you are – knowing that the high tide will return. Then, climb onto your raft and let it carry you to new destinations and dreams. You simply have to believe in yourself - and then - take the next step. Are you ready to take that step? Let’s talk!  Years ago (19 years to be precise), when we lived in Hawaii, I had my first mid-life crisis. I decided I could no longer be a carpenter (I was 42, had had shoulder surgery, and realized that I couldn’t go on building houses forever.)
Question: What now? Answer: Go back to school to study Interior Design – after all, it was the creative process I loved about carpentry! I could design things instead of building them! Next question: Where shall I study? Answer: Italy, of course! Next question: How the heck are we going to sell the houses I built (2 of them) if we haven’t been able to sell even one in the last 7 years?! We had listed the house at two different times, with different realtors. Not a bite! Now we were committed (yes, I had even paid my tuition!)and we had no choice. We had to sell not only one, but two houses! I still remember the day I was in the kitchen thinking, “What have I done? I have no idea how we are going to sell both houses within 3 months and move to Italy before school starts!” I was excited and scared at the same time. And I truly had no idea how we were going to sell those houses! Then I did something I don’t do very often. I literally got down on my knees in the kitchen (tile floor, so nice and hard on the knees!) and put my forehead on the floor. I wasn’t exactly praying, in the Christian sense, but I was “covering all the bases” of all the religions and practices I was familiar with…and I said outloud, “God/goddess, All that is, I’m out of ideas. Please help us sell these houses so I can get to school on time.” I was desperate, but committed. We were going, no matter what! Even if we had to rent out both houses in the meantime (not a good option to manage a rental from Italy!) Then I got up and hoped for the best! u Two days later, the phone rang, and a woman said, “Hi, my name is Brenda and I stayed at the B&B next door a couple of years ago. At the time they said you had a house for sale. Is it still for sale? I have a friend who is looking.” Well, of course I said yes, come on down! When they arrived, they came into our house first, to get acquainted and then we walked across the property to the other house (which was the one for sale.) He looked at it and then at us and said, “I like your house better. I’d like to buy your house.” We responded that we couldn’t sell ours first, move into the second house and wait till it sold, before moving to Italy. We had to sell the other house first. It was tempting, but we stood our ground. They left, and with them our hopes… A week later, he called back. In the interim, he had convinced his friend Brenda, that she needed to buy the other house, so they could share the property. He would buy our house. They offered our asking price and we closed without a realtor, saving the commission as well! All within 6 weeks! It was a lot of work selling and shipping stuff, but I made it to school on time! So, the next time you are at the “end of your rope” with no idea how to make your dreams come true, I suggest you commit fully – and then “let Providence move” things for you! Having trouble getting clarity on what those dreams are? We can figure it out together! Let's talk!  What the heck? Stay with me here…I know it sounds crazy but here’s the story:
Years ago, when I decided I wanted to buy old houses, fix them up and sell them, tons of people said, “It’s too late. The real estate market has crashed. You can’t make any money doing that anymore.” These people are part of the famous group called “Nay-sayers.” It doesn’t matter WHAT you decide to do, there will ALWAYS be “Nay-sayers.” They always find all the reasons why it can’t be done, why it’s not a good idea. They have evidence to back this up too. And they really believe that evidence…that’s the key here. THEY BELIEVE THAT EVIDENCE. And in the end they are right! THEY can’t make that happen! I, on the other hand, am a “YAY-sayer!” I believe that if I state my goal clearly (that’s like programming the GPS) and am committed to that goal, the UNIVERSE will find a way to get me there. Now back to my story. I decided I wanted to fix up old houses and sell them without a realtor to save the commission. First step: find an old house to fix up. How to do that? Look in the newspaper…nothing. Look online…nothing. Ask around…nothing. Next step: ask the Universe for help. I know it sounds crazy and I still feel a little silly when I say things like, “God, Goddess, All that is, please find me a great house to fix up at a great price, without a realtor.” But I admit it…I did it. Nothing. Oh well, it was worth a try. Not much later, I was on a walk in my little town and heard a dog crying, really crying, like it was in pain. I love animals, so of course I followed its cries until I found it. It was a beautiful husky, tied up in its yard and had somehow managed to wrap its paw up in the rope so tightly that it clearly hurt a LOT and it couldn’t get free on its own. So I approached it carefully, in case it was scared and aggressive. But instead it looked at me pleadingly and I immediately went to work to free its paw. I got lots of kisses and felt wonderful that I had helped this gorgeous creature! I decided to go by the next day to see how the dog was doing. This time the owner was at home, so I rang the bell and explained what had happened the day before. He was very grateful. I couldn’t help but look over his shoulder into the entryway…man, this would be a perfect fixer-upper! And right at that moment he explained that he wasn’t home much because he was in the process of moving and that’s why the dog was tied up. Bingo! Was the house his? No, but his landlord was super nice and anxious to sell. This just kept getting better! Next step: meet with the landlord and make a deal with owner financing (no realtor AND no bank involved!) This was even better than I had hoped for! Next step: fix up the house (this is the really FUN part for me!) Next step: find a buyer and sell the house without a realtor. How? NO IDEA! But I was really clear that I didn’t want a realtor involved, so I went ahead with the renovations. I still remember the day I was in the kitchen, finishing up the counters, when I heard a voice say “Hello? Anybody home?” I came into the hall to find a well-dressed woman looking around curiously. She asked for a tour and then she said, “It’s like you chose the colors for me! Are you doing the work? Is the house for sale? How much do you want?” Well, I hadn’t even thought about a price yet, but, off the top of my head I said, “$185,000.” “Done!” she said. And it really was! We closed within the week, once again, without a realtor and she got a bank loan with no problem! So, the next time you find yourself "Nay-saying" – or believing – “it can’t be done” I invite you reprogram your thinking to: “It CAN be done” and then program the GPS with “I want YOU FILL IN THE BLANK” and then give the Universe a chance to get you to your destination. It will often not be the route you were expecting, but you programmed the GPS – and it will get you there - or somewhere even better! PS – Another key ingredient here is: You have to DO something! – don’t just sit there wishing. You have to DRIVE the car or the GPS doesn’t work! Ready to program YOUR GPS? Let's talk!  Friday I went on one of my favorite hikes. I love it because the half- way point is almost at the peak of Faggetto Mountain, at 1200 meters, or about 3500 ft. The view is spectacular!
I also love it because on Fridays there is no hunting allowed, so I feel safe and there are no gun shots, barking dogs and hunters ruining the silence of the forest. I’ve actually never been in any real danger, but it isn’t very pleasant with them around. Yesterday was particularly quiet. Even the wind was still. I was curious to see what animals I might encounter because I am into animal totems. My longest standing totem and friend is the hawk. He has been with me for over 20 years now, and I have learned so much from his wisdom! I couldn’t wait to see what animals would be waiting to teach me my lesson of the day! Well, about 1/3 into the walk, I saw a very clear wolf print, next to the prints of wild boar and deer…how I wish I could see a wolf in the wild! No such luck…only his prints and his droppings…thanks! Where were all the animals? Even the birds were oddly silent. No hawks. Not even the ever present crow showed himself! I made it to the top of my climb and marveled yet again at the view. It’s almost like being in an airplane, it’s so high! I could see the new snow on the Appennines in the distance. Heaven! I started my decent, still hoping to come across something alive (at this point, I would have been happy with a hunting dog! I’ve rescued a few lost ones on my walks.) Nope, not even a dog! Oh well, at least it was a gorgeous day! The decent requires a lot of attention as to where I put my feet, since it is pretty treacherous in parts. As I was concentrating on the ground in front of me, I finally spotted something! What was that? A caterpillar! Are you kidding?! I’m looking for a totem here! Something significant! Something grand, like my hawk! A caterpillar?! Well, I’ll take what I can get. My book on Animal Speak says that all animals have something to teach us. Something we need at this moment in our lives. So, when I got home I looked up the caterpillar. Sure enough! It was better than a fortune cookie! Here’s what it said: Caterpillar (good luck) Good luck and new birth are at hand. Take a gentle and quiet approach to endeavors. Be realistic and shed the old. I’ve been building my coaching business for about 3 years now and have just recently decided to offer Destination Retreats. My first is a Women’s Soul Safari in Tanzania in November, 2018. I realize that my 12 years of international guiding has prepared me for this decision – and that it is time to stop working for someone else (shedding the old) and do it for myself. At first, I was a little frantic at the idea of doing it all on my own, but this little caterpillar reminded me that, just like on my walk today, I simply have to put one foot in front of the other, and quietly, quietly, I will get there. There are always messages available to us, if we listen. So, the next time you go outside (even if you live the city) I invite you to become aware of your surroundings and see what messenger (however small and seemingly insignificant) speaks to you!  A PERSONAL INVITATION
Those of you who know me, know that I’ve been meditating regularly for about 6 years now (and, irregularly, for about 30 years!) My routine is this. I get up (usually because our 3 cats decide it is time for me to get up,) feed the cats (obviously!) and make myself a great cup of coffee (I live in Italy and have a professional coffee grinder.) This is a ritual for me. The Japanese have a tea ritual. I have a coffee ritual. The grinder is adjusted perfectly for my stove-top espresso maker. It takes about 5 minutes for the water to come to a boil inside and push itself up through the filter and cascade down inside the top half of the contraption. The smell (or “profumo” in Italian) is divine! I then take my cup outside (accompanied by 3 cats) to appreciate the view from the terrace down into the Tiber Valley. This is my moment to really give thanks for all that I have. Once I’ve enjoyed my coffee, I meditate. It has become a habit for me. Like running. And like running, I had to develop the habit. At first it was difficult and sometimes, I really didn’t “feel” like meditating. Just like sometimes I really don’t feel like going on a run, but I just put on my shoes, and force myself out the door. Once I’m outside, and take those first steps, I get into it. And I feel so much better afterwards! Same thing with meditating. I feel so much better afterwards! But there are those mornings where I am looking for excuses to skip my meditation because I don’t feel like it: “I have so much to do. I really need to answer those emails. And write a blog post! I should just get down to it!” Those were the excuses going through my head this morning, while I sat myself down in my “meditation chair” facing the bookshelf, where my Buddha lives. I was still coming up with mental excuses when I looked up at the bookshelf and saw the morning light hit the Buddha perfectly, illuminating his head. He looked so real in that nano-second. I could almost hear him breathing. And in that moment, I knew that there were no excuses for me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, smiled, and meditated. The Universe had sent me a personal invitation! And I am forwarding that invitation to you. Give yourself permission to take a minute to be with yourself. Yes, start with just a minute. Close your eyes, smile and take a deep breath as you count to 5. Then exhale, counting to 5. Do that 6 times, counting to 5 each time you inhale and exhale. There - you meditated for a whole minute! It’s that simple! Open your eyes and see how you feel...and please share with me here! I love success stories!  YAY! I don’t know about you, but those are welcome words to my ears! Why? Because it means I am done with work for the day – and on Friday – for the week! That’s when I usually go out with friends to celebrate the coming weekend. I love it because everyone is happy – well, usually they are happy.
Sometimes though, they aren’t so happy. In fact, sometimes, after a couple of drinks, they start ranting and raving about how they hate their job or their boss and feel trapped and, and, and….you know what I’m talking about…you may even have been the one ranting and raving. Why does that happen? We leave work, feeling great because we are “free” for the weekend, go out with friends to celebrate, and end up complaining! What causes that fatal change in mood? I’ll tell you. YOU cause it! What?! But it’s my boss! He doesn’t respect me. He treats me badly. I hate my job! I hear you. Now let me ask you a question. What about your job do you like? Does it give you a decent income? Does that income allow you to do fun things on the weekend? What else is great about your job? Do you dig your colleagues? (that’s probably who you are celebrating Happy Hour with right now!) Let me ask you another question. After answering the previous questions, NOW how do you feel? Better? Why? Probably because you were thinking happy thoughts, right? Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t look at what would make you happier! But do you see the difference? Instead of saying, I hate my job/boss or whatever it is you “hate,” what if you asked yourself, “What, specifically, about that do I hate?” Or better yet, “What can I do to make it better?” Now we’re getting somewhere! Instead of being the victim, you are taking control. Is there something you can do to make the situation better? If there is – DO IT! If there isn’t, maybe it’s time for a change. Either way, YOU are in control. Another thing – neuroscience has proven that we are “hard-wired” to look for the “negative.” Why is that? Because millions of years ago, when we were out there in the wild, we had to look for the negative (as in DANGER) so that we could survive! Our brain thinks that anything that “threatens” us (our boss) is dangerous (threatens our survival) and this automatically stimulates our “fight or flight” response. This in turn, stimulates our body to produce adrenalin, which we don’t actually need, since we aren’t going to physically fight with our boss (even though we might want to!) or run away (at least not yet!) So what happens to all this adrenalin? It turns into STRESS! So, what can we do? Let’s be scientific here (logical). If being angry with our boss makes us feel badly, and thinking about what we LIKE about our job/home/friends/partner/kids/pets makes us feel good, then the LOGICAL thing to do is think about the good stuff, right? See? VERY scientific! And the fact is, brain research has proven that when we think “happy thoughts”, our stress levels DO go down, which has huge health benefits, as you can imagine. So, I am inviting you to start a new habit: DAILY HAPPY HOUR! I am not encouraging you to drink daily (that’s entirely up to you) but I AM encouraging you to take a few minutes – daily – to consciously think about what makes you happy! Really FEEL it! You know that feeling – how you can actually feel your heart swelling with joy. Joy over the silly little things in life, like:
And I promise you, Happy Hour will never be the same for you again (in a good way!)  Remember pink slips? OK, so I am giving away my age here, but who cares! For those of you who DON’T know what a pink slip is, I’ll explain.
 Have you ever said to yourself something like “I really should exercise more.” And then immediately come up with some excuse why you couldn’t? “I have to get the kids to school. No time before work. No time after work”. I know I have!
So what happens when we say the word “should?” What’s so powerful about that word? What does it immediately bring up? RESISTANCE. SHOULD almost always comes from the outside, from somebody else. It is almost invariably someone else’s (a parent or someone we admire)value or belief that we have unconsciously adopted somewhere along the way. Our subconscious KNOWS it isn’t OUR idea, so why SHOULD we do it?! It is a sort of childish reaction, albeit subconscious: “NO! I want to do it MY way!” When someone starts a sentence with “I should – do – this, that, or the other thing,” it just BEGS the question, “Who says? Who says you SHOULD?” But, instead of asking this question, which might take us into the world of the past, I prefer to look to the future, and ask that person to repeat the statement they just made, substituting the word “could” for the word “should”. “I COULD do this, that, or the other thing.” What often happens at first, is a moment of silence, and then the realization: “It’s true, I COULD do this, but I COULD also do, a bunch of OTHER things, that I hadn’t thought about before.” Just changing the verb from SHOULD to COULD, opens up a whole new world of possibilities. SHOULD is almost always somebody else’s idea, which we have subconsciously made our own. There are, of course, exceptions. Sometimes the person will then reflect and say “What I really meant to say, is I WANT to do this.” Great. They have achieved some clarity around the choice to do something. They have owned that choice. Whereas if their SHOULD does come from the outside, often in that moment, they will realize that this is NOT what they really want to do. And in that moment of realization, they then begin to explore new possibilities, new solutions, new options that they COULD do, in the exact same situation. Let’s take an example: “I SHOULD go to the gym everyday for at least an hour.” Rather limiting in terms of possibilities –OR- “I COULD go to the gym everyday, for at least an hour, but I COULD also alternate the gym with a bike ride, which I really enjoy, or maybe just go to the gym for ½ hour at lunchtime, so I am energized for the afternoon. Or maybe I could take a brisk walk after lunch, or maybe, if I work out really hard one day, I could give my body a rest the next day, so that the following day, I’ll have even MORE energy!” See how many more possibilities there are? Now let’s take an example in the “negative”: “I SHOULDN’T have another glass of wine.” Sounds a little reprimanding, at best. –OR- “I COULD NOT have another glass of wine, which would probably allow me to sleep better, so that tomorrow morning, I won’t be grumpy, and I’ll start my day out on a positive note.” In this case, the person has thought about the consequences of another glass of wine and CHOSEN NOT to have it. He is not just blindly following a self-imposed rule that feels limiting and depriving. The alternative”COULD” scenario sounds logical and actually, inviting. In this case, the person CHOOSES NOT to have another glass of wine and take care of himself, instead of simply depriving himself. So, perhaps you are trying to change a habit, or form a new habit with something you think you SHOULD do. I invite you to substitute the verb COULD for SHOULD and wait - and see what happens. After all,“who says you should?” Maybe, in answering this question, you’ll realize that it wasn’t your idea in the first place, and even though you didn’t come up with it, maybe it WAS actually a good idea! And now, instead of resisting the imposed idea, you have consciously embraced it and made it your own. Now you see that you COULD adopt that behavior and benefit from it and then CHOOSE to do it. The opposite scenario is equally possible. I had this experience recently myself. In planning my coaching business, I got caught up in the whirlwind of excitement with a coaching group I was in. Everyone was aiming for the stars – a six figure income was possible! Oh boy! I was on board with that one! Then I began to experience a sense of overwhelm, of losing momentum. I got a sore throat. I wasn’t sleeping well, thinking about everything I had to do to build my business to that level. And suddenly I realized (literally at 3 am) I didn’t WANT a six figure income! I had adopted everyone else’s idea and thought I SHOULD want that too. Whereas earlier on, I had taken the time to define exactly what kind of life I wanted: maximum of 2 clients per day, so I had the time to do my daily work-out (which is of the utmost importance to me), meditate, work around the house (I am a carpenter and LOVE projects!) We own our house free and clear, so our monthly expenses are reasonable. Additionally, I had decided to create an online group coaching course, which would leverage my time and allow me to help more people at once. And I had decided to do one or two expedition coaching trips per year, to satisfy my love for adventure. Once I got back in touch with MY big picture, I realized I COULD strive for a six figure income, but I also realized that I COULD choose NOT to do that, and honor my own needs and values. By the way, I am completely open to having a six figure income, as long as I continue to honor that precious balance I have achieved in my life! Thinking I have to give up that balance to make money is my own limiting belief (but that’s a whole other article!) Recognizing and honoring your own needs, wants, values and beliefs is the key to creating an ideal life. So, the next time you use the “S” WORD, make light of it and say to yourself: DON’T SHOULD ON YOURSELF! Then be sure to follow YOUR heart and honor YOUR intuition and YOUR truth! WILD THING, |
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March 2018
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LISA LILJEBERG
CPC (Certified Professional Coach) |
BE A DAREDREAMER!
DO MORE THAN MAKE A LIVING - MAKE A LIFE! |
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